When I sense a whiff of parenting advice escaping my mouth, I inhale fast. I’ve been like this since my first child arrived 20 years ago — aware I’m no parenting guru and convinced what slips out will come back to bite me.
To be clear, I do not have parenting solved. My children are lousy at sending thank you notes, leave dirty dishes by their bedside, waste hours on screens, and these are things I know about. Imagine what I don’t know.
So why would I write a post on what to say to your child when they face a college rejection? Maybe because I need to find ways to help my own children. Maybe because I’m worried about children, in general. Maybe because I struggle with rejection. Or maybe because not writing it feels as risky as writing it.
Over the next few weeks, college rejections will continue to roll in. Will you know what to do? How to help? Will you allow your child to sit with rejection? Will you be able to sit with it?
When I was in high school, there was a teacher who posted a list of college acceptances on his classroom door. It bothered me to the core. The list was for high flyers, a cohort I wasn’t invited into and admittedly eschewed. Was I jealous? Probably. Was it elitist? Definitely.
When I worked as a dorm parent at a boarding school, an administrator sent an email to adults on campus asking us to not talk with students about college. This struck me as wholly unnatural. Is your mother not supposed to ask you where you’re applying to college? How weird.
And as a teacher, I’ve always talked with my students about post-graduation plans. I love watching them lay a path for themselves. I listen to them weigh their options. I want to talk about their future. I care.
True, the teacher who posted the list of college acceptances also cared, and the administrator who didn’t want us asking questions was trying to protect students. The problem with both approaches is that neither alleviated the pressure swirling around college acceptances. And with that first problem came the inevitable second problem: facing college rejections.
If everyone were accepted to every college they applied to, there would have been no list on the door. And if the students in my dorm weren’t drowning in competition, my questions wouldn’t have been perceived as added stress. But the real wrinkle is not putting words to post-graduation plans. It’s the rejection we can’t seem to iron out.
If your child is waiting to hear from competitive colleges, chances are they’re going to face some rejection. For many, it will be the first time. For others, it won’t be, but it will still burn. And do you know why they’ll feel rejected?
Well, because they’re being rejected.
My work here is to help you help them cope with rejection and manage their hurt. I believe they can and should accept rejection. Not to absorb it nor to repel it. Just to sit with it.
Getting rejected from a college can feel like getting dumped, and the weight of that hurt is in direct proportion to the future they planned together. You might have told your child to not count on this future, but they couldn’t stop their dreams. So the gut-punch you tried to protect them from came like a fist out of thin air, and now they’re turning over everything they’ve done and said, second guessing their academic and extracurricular choices, wishing they’d done something, anything, differently.
How do we help our children stop the spinning blades in their brains? Two choices come to mind: meditation and distraction, and the latter is easier, so I'll start there. Watch a movie, go to a game, hit the gym, wander the mall, head to a friend’s, host a gathering, take a drive, walk the dog. And if they want to return to the discussion of their rejection, fine, as long as the blades are cutting through the air, not their thoughts.
Once they can talk about what it really feels like to be rejected, then maybe they can listen to your words of wisdom.
The challenge is to turn platitudes into language that is fresh and useful. Clichés become clichés because they have staying power, not because they’re untrue or silly. “Everything happens for a reason.” “They don’t deserve you.” “Something better awaits.” You can hear the adages in your head, but your child will be better served if you can translate them into new expressions, especially expressions constructed specifically for them. “There might be a message in this rejection that just hasn’t revealed itself yet.” “Remember how Coach Stevens always says move onto the next play?” “Aunt Rosie almost married another man until he walked out on her. Boy, I’m glad she married Uncle Mike instead. ”
Validate and empower. Then validate and empower again. “Your feelings are real, and they matter.” “You are never out of options. What’s next for you?” “You are the best actor, not the best supporting actor, in your movie. What will that movie look like?” “You are the most consistent thing in your life. Schools, friends, classmates, colleagues — you cannot know who or what will stick, but you will stick to you. Who will that you be?” And most important: “You are enough.”
When the distracting and coaching are over, I recommend you help your child exist peacefully in that space with the hurt. You don’t have to call it meditation or mindfulness, but you can if you’d like. Be quiet together or alone. Give healing the time it deserves. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Feeling rejected is awful. Getting rejected isn’t awful; getting rejected means it’s time to take a right turn, which is probably a blessing. But feeling rejected is agonizing. Don’t minimize it. If you haven’t been rejected in a long time, dig into your past and dig up that excruciating feeling. Conjure up being dumped, not getting the job, or maybe even being rejected from a college.
I’m no longer salty about being rejected by Colgate, and I can talk easily about most rejections in my life. I still remember the sting of those rejections, whether they be from colleges or jobs or people, but I don't exactly feel the sting. Time will do that. Remind your child of this phenomenon.
One thing I want my own children to understand is that rejection is part of life. Yes, that’s cliché, but it’s cliché because it’s true. I want them to know that I, too, have felt the bite and shame of rejection and that every time the wound heals. They will face rejection. I don't know when, but I know they will. I want them to understand this, at least in theory.
Best of luck to your college applicant. I hope they get accepted, but I also hope they can cope with rejection. I hope you are okay too.
Read more tips HERE.
Photo credit: Dan Meyers
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